Let’s Talk About Sex

Now that I’ve got your attention :).

Sex. It’s a word Hollywood can’t stop making movies about and the church won’t talk about because it doesn’t know how to.

Growing up, I learned about sex from Harlequin novels, lifetime movies, and Cosmopolitan magazine. Sex was presented as a common and casual thing. Sex and love were words used interchangeably and loosely.

I was young and naïve enough to believe everything I read and watched. I didn’t know sex isn’t just a physical act but that it would impact me emotionally and mentally because of my physiological design. It’s the reason God intended it to take place in marriage and instructs the young not to awaken love until the time is right. That is, when you are in a committed marriage relationship with your spouse.

Because I didn’t know God in my youth, so I did awaken love before the right time. I followed people’s ideas of sex instead of God’s. I believed the way to love was sex because of what I read, watched, and heard.

I know the idea of saving sex for marriage is not popular. It sounds old fashion. Even “Christians” and those in the church may think it’s not important to keep yourself sexually pure for your future spouse. But God warns against sex outside of a committed marriage relationship between a man and a woman, for good reason. I learned painfully why awakening sex before the right time is so damaging.

First of all, the way to love isn’t sex and just because you love a guy and he loves you back doesn’t mean you should have sex. Contrary to what you see on the screen, sex is not a casual thing. You don’t sleep with guys and not become emotionally attached to them. There are consequences to awakening your soul to intimacy before your mind can handle it.

In their book, Girls Uncovered, Dr. Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. and Dr. Freda McKissic Bush explains the connection between sex and emotional attachment. The short of it is, God made us as one being with a mind, body, and soul. What we do in the physical body affects the mind and soul. Sex connects all of you to your partner. The soul ties are deep. Breaking this emotional attachment will seriously sever the whole of you. Mind, body, and soul.

I came across this book about 4 years ago and it was the closure I needed from my past sexual sin. Up until that time, I had always felt stupid for being so needy. I blamed myself for feeling so emotionally unstable. Turns out I was made to respond in these ways as a result of sex. I was normal after all. For years, I belittled my feelings and thought sex wasn’t suppose to affect me so deeply. After all, that’s not how it works in the movies.

Secondly, having sex before the right time brings on guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. Guilt comes because you can’t get guys to stay with you for love when they only want sex. You blame yourself. Surely, there’s something wrong with you because a guy rejects you. Maybe you’re not pretty enough. Or you’re not thin enough. Only if you were sexier. Then, shame takes over. Shame that you’re not worthy of being loved because you’re rejected time and again. You actually believe you deserve to be abandoned. You wallow in self-pity. You drown in sorrow. Depression creeps in as you feel the weight of your sin. Yes, it’s your fault you’re in this darkness. You want the pain stop but it only gets stronger. So you do what comes naturally when you come to the end of yourself. You cry out to God for help. Is He keeping track of your sorrows? Has He collected all your tears in a bottle? Because you just can’t cry anymore.

In Psalm 30, God says weeping may stay for the night. But joy will come in the morning. Or many nights. But eventually, joy will come. Because God is not indifferent to our pain. When it seems as though He isn’t listening or cares about our suffering is when He is at work to get us out of our pain.

God will bring you out of your weeping. He will bring you joy. But you’ll still have to face the consequences of awakening sexual desire before the right time.

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of sex outside of marriage is its affects on your self-image, your sexuality, and your future relationship with your spouse.

Even after I got married, I had to work through feelings of being dirty, ugly, and unworthy of love. Soul ties had to be broken for me to heal from the repercussions of awakening desire before its due time.

And my sexual sins didn’t just affect me. It has affected my husband through no fault of his. You see, it has been a struggle for me to accept sex as God’s gift in marriage. I have to keep telling myself that sex isn’t dirty and wrong when it is awakened at the right time in marriage. It takes a long many years for your soul to connect to your husband’s because it has been stuck to others. Only through God’s healing power can your soul develop new adhesion so it can eventually stick to your forever soul.

So young hearts, don’t believe everything you see on screen. Sex is not casual. It is a big deal. And awakening sexual desire before God’s intended time for it in marriage will harm you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Not just in your present but in your future.

God is a good daddy. He wants the best for you. And his best is for you to save sex for marriage so that you can enjoy it freely, fully, and without any inhibitions to one lover. God never wants you to feel shame, guilt, or unworthy to enjoy his special gift of sex. But you have to listen to him. And do all you can to not awaken love before the right time by guarding what comes into your mind. Filter everything you watch, read, and do through what God has to say about it. Establish purity boundaries in dating relationships. Be selective about who you let into your heart and determine not to cross the lines with sexual acts. Like my mom warned me years ago, “Don’t start a fire you can’t put out.” Each sexual act progresses to the next. You as the female, have to set the boundary to stop sex before it starts because most guys will not.

Young hearts, our Heavenly Daddy knows best. His intentions for you are for good, not harm. Let His voice be the one you trust in all areas of your life, especially about sex. Your body, your mind, your soul, your life, your future family depends on it.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Phuong I so related to your post. It has taken years and years and I am still working on having the normal sexual relationship that God allows and encourages between me and my husband. I made this mistake in college with a guy and he dumped me shortly thereafter. He was my first and I believed we would have the romance movie ending. Complete college together, get married afterward, start a family and live happily ever after. I was so lonely and didn’t have friends and it was always easy for me to get a boyfriend versus female friends. It also didn’t help that my mother had drilled into me that no one would want “used goods”. Thankfully my husband of nearly twenty-five years didn’t have that attitude. But he still is getting the fall-out of past relationships and my mother’s negative beliefs about sex in general even within a marriage. I have been praying to God a lot about this recently and am faithful in my belief that things will get better. Thanks for your honest and open post.


    1. My pleasure friend :). Thank you for sharing your story. God can redeem us all and use it to help others. May He use your story to encourage many.


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